<---failedscientist--->

Dear friends,
      It is with a heavy heart that I am abandoning my LJ. :-( There are a few things that I want for my blog that this host can't provide (i.e. editing my own layout, twitter log (not that I really "tweet," but it would be nice to have anyway), better picture quality....the list goes on and on). On top of all that, it turns out that this thing has the equivalent of an STD and apparently might harm your computer. So, if you're reading this, I really hope you have good anti-virus software!!! (sorry!)
      I suppose this answers the question as to why my computer is acting so weird lately (i.e. redirecting anything I click on google to random websites). awesome. 
      Oh malware, why must you rain on ma parade so???
      My journal will continue though. New name. New host. and, hopefully, new adventures to write about. 

  Thanks for being a part of my life for the last 4 years, LJ.
  And of course, thanks to all of my readers....all 3 of you. hahahaha

         <3
*~*Claudia*~*

"THAT is an awesome profile picture!! ...but i still wonder what you're doing on there anyway ;-)
so i'm glad we're finally friends on facebook - it really was about time! ;-) how are your chinese skills doing? learned any interesting new words today? btw - you missed the christmas lunch yesterday! how could you? :-D"

I find that I get very bored when I can predict a guy's actions and motives.
I have no will to open up to anyone....
It all boils down to power and conquering, doesn't it?
What's the point? It's all empty if it doesn't mean anything.

meh.
Sorry. I have the need to talk some shit before I can see things the way I know they are, but don't want to admit to myself....

Too bad there are a lot of deadlines coming up. I could really use some time off.
I'm afraid to say this means I have had absolutely no time to gift shop for anyone....including my own family.
(So. um. don't be surprised if you all get a sausage log and a box of maxi pads on the 25th).
MEEEERRRRrrry CHRISTMAS!!!! ;-)
ahahahaha.

thank you for attending this pity party.

*~*Claud*~*

"I don't want to grow up; I'm a Toys R' Us kid!!!!!!!!"

Sometimes I get random messages that keep me going. Today, I got this one:

"I am glad you are doing well. You are so smart and determined, I am cheering for you to get into med school and finish. It has been a long time. It is a blessing to hear from you. You are a wonderful person. You so funny. Maybe other females will be as smart as you and join you in the lab. Chinese people are cool! LOL. I am a social worker. I went to USF in Tampa. I have 2 daughters (2 years old and 6 months old). I married Marcus from high school, he is the best. Do you remember Marcus? I am going back to school for my masters in fall 2010."

Super cute! :-))))
Wow, married with two children and going for the masters! Good for her!!!!!

HMMmmm....I always envisioned myself marrying my best friend growing up......
(those dreams were dashed when he introduced me to his boyfriend freshman year of college). lol.

As far as the big move goes, my options for a new home are: Connecticut, New York, and Maryland. I am definitely ready to leave Florida. It's been a long time coming....
New York is #1 on my list (and often, I question why the hell I want to move there since everything is so damn expensive, the subway system is ridiculously congested around 5/6 pm (being pancaked between two very corpulent men during rush hour = no fun), and I will have to figure out a way to buy groceries and cook amidst academic madness. (This may be difficult without a Publix around the corner)).

My very gay friend, Andre, is dead set on having me as his NYC roommate. Today I tried to gently bring him back into reality:
"Well, nothing's set in stone....I'm not officially in anywhere. Plus, I may choose to live in another state, or in dorms.....and if not, we have to choose an apartment with affordable rent....and close to the hospital and lecture halls. Hmmm....and how will we do groceries???"
(Andre) "Oh, don't worry! I have friends who can help us out! And if you're swamped, I'll cook."

aw.
This is why I'm marrying a gay man. LOL
(If he can put up with my shit, he's a keeper! hehehehe)

I kind of like how he's making me break the mold though....Andre insists on us going out on Friday and Saturday nights. (Somehow the concept of: "I am going to be a ghost roommate" hasn't quite sunk into his brain yet).
But I'm just being careful because this won't be undergrad anymore--I can't make anymore mistakes.
but I keep getting this retort: "I refuse to have you become an antisocial miscreant!!!! You are coming out with us and you're wearing your heals if I have to drag you out myself!!"
I'm probably going to have to head back to the doctor's soon.
I'm honestly worried that they're going to say I'll have to give up more things in my life....
Last time, they told me I'd have to suck up the pain for the next 20 years.
If things are like this now, I don't even want to begin to extrapolate how bad it will be if I fast forward to my 40s.

I find myself worrying about things that most girls do not worry about.
I wonder if anyone would want to put up with me...
me and my broken frame.

At the very least, I know Andre will stick around for a bit. Me with med school and him with fashion school....this should be interesting.

Plus...
He has no qualms about going to the ballet, the opera, Yoga to the People, Bikram, MoMa, or the Met. (assuming we have time for this).
He listens to Edith Piaf.
He wears pocket squares.
He speaks Spanish, Italian, and French.
We reenact Lady Gaga music videos.

(Ok--I HAVE to move in with him!)

I was actually upset earlier today that Mauri might be moving to London....
This is not so upsetting anymore. lol.

Somehow I'll find a balance with all that's coming....somehow.

New York will take us in.
We don't belong in Lima or Arequipa.
We don't belong in Gville either.

Most people find somewhere in between.
Then again, we're not normal, now are we? ;-)

<3
*~*Claudia*~*

Who says I cant be free?
From all of the things that I used to be
Re-write my history
Who says I cant be free?

Its been a long night in New York City
Its been a long time since 22
I dont remember you looking any better
But then again I dont remember you.

~Who Says by John Mayer

baaaahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!



*~*Claud*~*

Hi!
I just got back from driving on I-75! Life has certainly gone from 0 to 60 very quickly!...it's kind of nice to sit down in a chair and write it all down....although I could probably get in trouble for this at work....(I cannot WAIT until I am done with this research project!!!!!!)

Ok. back to the elephant in the room! (NYC)
My trip this time was crazy crazy fun. :-)))

In summary? Mauri's new mega crush is a French girl named Camille. He wasn't really there throughout my stay, but when he was, he would constantly show me pictures of Camille/talk about her/refer to shit they did...etc etc etc.
I wanted to spend time with the little nut, but his absence meant:
1. upgrade from futon to bed! (heck yessss!)
2. his macbook AAAAaalll to myself! (podcast time!)

He's fallen though......pretty hard. He'd say things like: "And all my friends who've seen her picture tell me how pretty she is and what a fine catch she is!"
(I think my inner feminist cringes at the thought that he goes around showing off his love interest like a freaking show pony).
And the quickness of it all!
"Camille's mother knows that Camille is not messing with any of the stupid guys her daughter's age....she knows that her daughter is going out with a MAN!"
(You have no idea how much I fought to keep a straight face as I listened. NO IDEA!!!!)
Besides, isn't meeting the parentals reserved as a "Congratulations, you've made it this far!" sort of thing?

At the end of the day, if my friends are happy, I'm happy.....I only have three beefs (which I made sure to voice....like the giant party pooper that I am):
1. Camille has a boyfriend back in France. (So.....she's cheating).
2. She has expressly said: "I have problems with committment" (RED FLAG!!!! RED FLAG!!!!!!!!)
3. She's 21. (ok...I'm only 23, but I can tell you this much: you learn a shitload in those beginning twenty-something years! Plus, being in college is COMPLETELY different from being out-of-college. So, yes, there is a degree of difference between, say, a 21-year-old girl and a 27-year-old dude).....at least at this point.
(although maybe maturity-wise, they are on-par).
4. If she's cheating on her current boyfriend, hasn't told him anything, and is reserving a trip to France to do the dumping honors, what's to say she won't do the same to Mauri??

It almost seems like that universal action movie scene, when someone holds up a gun to a clueless victim, and then some beefy dude pops out of nowhere and throws himself in front of the path of the bullet, yelling: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!!!!"

That's how I feel.
It's kind of weird though.....knowing that a relationship will fail. Begs the question: do wedding planners know?
I bet they do.
I wonder how many of my own relationships my friends have known would fail???!

I spent most of my time during this trip with Mauri's roommate, Lisa. Lisa and me get along great. We're both the same age. We're into yoga. and we're both trying to figure out this crazy world.
In this visit, she introduced me to Bikram Yoga: mother of all yoga classes.
Bikram Yoga consists of assuming poses in a 105 degree room over the course of an hour and a half.
You are not allowed to leave the room until the class is over. Also, your classmates are half-naked and you sweat through EVERY pore of your body.

It sounds like self-inflicted torture....and at times, it certainly feels like it. But it's the most amazing work-out you'll ever have!
I went twice, and both times I felt SO good afterwards!
Too bad there are no Bikram studios in my town. :-( Looks like I'll have to settle for whatever my gym gives me...

Aside from all that, I also met up with my childhood friend (Camilla) and ran around Columbus Circle, Carnegie Hall, Rockefeller Center, Times Square, and Hunter College until my feet hurt.

My actual business matter in NYC is slightly under wraps....but what I CAN tell you is that if all goes as planned, I will have some exciting news to share! :-)))))

Other than that, yesterday, some guy at a shoe store actually called me an asshole to my face. LOL.....and then he told my friend, Jason, (who he thought was my boyfriend), "good luck with that one!!!!"
LMAO!!!!!!!!)

Should I be honored or offended that I've graduated from bitch to asshole? HMMmmm....;-) Personally, I feel that my personality traits would actually be praised if I were a guy and not a girl. Nonetheless, I did feel kind of bad for the shoe man--even though Sofie and Jason said he totally had it coming to him.
(My assholiness shouldn't be encouraged!!!!!!!!!!!)

I think I need some sensitivity training....
But if I stay my same charming self and get a cane, I'll be just like House! ha! >:-)

<3
*~*Claud*~*

p.s. I was at the MoMa, and found out that the NIH painting that I love so much is actually a replica of a painting by Marc Chagall called 'Birthday'!

p.p.s. Listen to this!

Let me first begin by saying that I am no defender of my own sex.
That being said, I will share the following conversation:

(over dinner)
me: "you're going to marry an asian"
mini: "no I'm not!!!"
me: "yes. a big tall chinese dude.....with an all-you-can-eat buffet and an endless supply of fortune cookies."
mini: "oh yeah? well I know who YOU'RE going to marry!!!"
me: (amused) "really? who?"
mini: "MAURI!!!!"
me: "no."
mini: "why not!? don't you see yourself with him? he's intelligent! he's funny! he's handsome! he's _____!"
me: "hmm...yeah...but we have entirely different expectations in love."
mini: "but he's always liked you!"
me: "he likes anything with a vagina."
mini: "oh come on!!!!! he likes you for who you are--why else would he stick around?"

Why do girls do this? Encourage delusions?????

Sure, there is a chance that Mauri could be making up everything he tells me when it comes to his love life in order to try to boost his appeal.
his sexual exploits...
the girls that come and go...
his wish for a wife, a home, and a white picket fence...
children...
work...
In short, the whole she-bang--it could all be crap!

but I don't count on that.

Mauri has what I like to call: "Revenge of the Nerd Syndrome." (so many cases go undiagnosed EVERY year--I feel it is my obligation to report this to the medical community!)

Wait--hold on....
Revenge of the Nerd Syndrome? What IS that!? Is it contagious?!
Sadly. Yes. It afflicts many of the male species. It first begins with a "Hey, I'd tap that!" and then balloons into a sea of "oh man! chicks dig it when _______."
Males infect other males through horizontal transfer of complete and utter bull shit.
In some cases, the viral load is so great, it crosses the blood-brain barrier and invades the nervous tissue (i.e. the brain).

A typical case study runs as follows:
1. nerd was picked on in elementary/middle/high school
2. nerd's testicles drop
3. nerd realizes chicks dig him now without the stupid anthropology books or the braces or the mathlete shirts
4. nerd thinks he's the shit and thinks in his head: "oh man! gotta explore my options! cuz chicks dig me!!!"
Unfortunately, afflicted male is completely ignorant to the fact that:
1. he's still a nerd. it's obvious. everyone can still tell. including females.
2. girls dig his resume. not him.
3. he's not as awesome as he thinks he is.

Obviously, this doesn't ALWAYS happen....there are many clear exceptions (but this is not the point).

Let's look at a more real-life example::
On my last trip to New York, my friend Mauri gave me a teddy bear--a sweet token of his affection. I appreciate that. I love stuffed animals! Unbeknownst to him, the more ridiculous and cute, the better.

but, you know....like the sweet, well-mannered, soft-spoken girl that I am, I was so upset at him for NOT PICKING ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT that I ignored his gift....maybe threw it in his face....LOL

(huh? this isn't a typical female reaction!!?! CODE RED! CODE RED!!! APPEASE FEMALE! I REPEAT: APPEASE FEMALE!!! (i.e. make up shit))

"but Claudia, I HAD to stay at a dinner! My friend, Raquel, is leaving for London first-thing tomorrow morning! That dinner is the last time I'm going to see her!! You don't get it, Claudia, this is the type of girl I want to MARRY!!"

ok. maybe some girls lap this shit up.
but I don't care if it's Raquel or fucking Nelson Mandela!!! You led me to believe you were going to escort me from the airport in QUEENS to your apartment in WASHINGTON HEIGHTS after midnight, when I was all alone--in a foreign city--with plenty of loons running around--two bags of heavy luggage--no knowledge of public transit--and complete darkness.
Your ass wasn't there.
YOU SCREWED UP--BIG TIME.

me: "Great--when you surface from this week's love of your life, make sure to have the common courtesy to tell me what you are and are not willing to do as my friend, ASSHOLE."

*AHEM*
um....you know.........like I said before: a SWEET, WELL-MANNERED, SOFT-SPOKEN GIRL! ;-)

I like Mauri. I always have. and I will watch him go through girlfriends like crazy. but I KNOW these girls are not with him for the right reasons.
He probably knows this, and that's fine.
He might believe, stupidly enough, that talking about paleopathology charms the girls and shows off his intellect.
Maybe, he's deluded himself into believing that he's irresistible, and that I'm playing hard-to-get.

That's fine too.

What's not fine? Treating me like an effin' side-dish when I traveled 3 hours to see your sorry ass and med schools!!
and no amount of Disney magic can take away from that.

I was hoping to avoid him for awhile...since a lot of awkwardness went down on my last trip to NYC (including an escape to my aunt's house in New Jersey, which I'm sure he got pissed off about).

*sigh*
It's too bad he's pulling shit like this.
Of all my guy friends, I've always appreciated Mauri's honesty, his wit, his stupid childish humor, and how he always gets me to do fun crazy stuff, like teaching me to rock climb. I don't think I've met anyone like him. ever.
And sure, watching him casually make references to his scholastic achievements and research endeavors is the equivalent of watching a parrot preen itself sometimes...but behind all that talk, I can see that he's not like other guys who try to pretend they're something that they're most clearly not.
Until now.

Maybe he was always like this...maybe these are his true colors.
Maybe we'll talk things over, or maybe we'll let things be.
maybe I'll go back to my aunt's.
maybe I miss my friend...

but now that he's doing this--shifting back and forth between the douche-bag he is now and the guy I used to love to hang out with--it's making me want to stay with my aunt in Jersey.

*sigh*
Ah well...Revenge of the Nerd Syndrome does that to a guy I suppose.
(He's managed to piss me off again, if you can't already tell).
But if things don't improve by Saturday afternoon, he can eat the taco dinner he asked me to AAAAaaaaaaaaAAAaaall by himself, because me and Mr. Teddy are going to the Body Museum, mothafucka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His loss.

*~*Claud*~*

MISSING: friend...if find him, please tell him Claudia thinks he should stop. Thanks.


mauri: "So, I met this girl named Nadine who is beautiful, Claudia, I mean beautiful! And she has red hair and perfect breasts...blah blah blah...we met at a party, and we saw each other, and that was IT! But...if you see me kissing this other girl who has this huge crush on me, don't be surprised, ok?"
me: "yeah. ok."

mauri: "the trick is to treat girls like shit--you guys like that!"
me: "really?"

As the days count down, I find myself vacillating between extreme excitement and nervousness. It's almost like being on a date with someone you realize might turn out to potentially mean something....except this time, my career is on the line.
Will they like me?
Am I good enough?
Will they put up with my shit?
Why me? There are so many other smart kids out there....why the hell did they choose me???

All at once, all your insecurities that you've kept hidden from the world--maybe even yourself--rise to the surface and lift their ugly heads.
Your self-defeatment. Your arrogance. Your fear. Your bluntness. Your cynicism. Your random rants.......

They all return...but are somewhat quelled by the naivety that once was a part of you.....
For the longest time, dreams of walking down a hall in a white lab coat were my main drive. Then, towards the end of undergrad, these dreams were stomped out of me. I crushed them with doubt.
Now, I am so close, I can hardly believe it. It seems like I'm dreaming again....
I've worked, I've cried, I've waited....and, like the sick masochist that I am, I'm still here.
How?? It's not like my college advisor really believed in me....heck, neither did my own mother!

Everytime I see a white lab coat now, I get excited...I have visions of what my life could be, what I could be......and my brain wants to explode.
It's like the irrepressible joy you get when you like someone, and you know they like you too.
It's ridiculous. It's silly. It's intoxicating. It doesn't even make sense.........but will it last?

AAAaaah, well--we'll just have to find out ;-)
Like all love affairs--at least in my world--it's a game of chess: ripe with elation, power struggles, disappointment, and everything in between. Not many people stick around long enough for this--just for the endorphin high.

Check mate.
Let's see if I can win this.....
<3
*~*Claud*~*

This time, it's for reals. :-)

I had the most amazing day today.
It started off rough, because I had a terrible Halloween this year. I spent most of Saturday sitting in my room, crying and feeling like a complete asshole for yelling at my dad....
Sometimes it's just so hard to manage things at home...
And at times, I feel so selfish to want to be away from it all.
I often ask myself: "is this really a big deal? There are kids who have it SO much worse!"
but I think what bothers me most is that there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of it.
Neither my parents or my sister have any desire to change, and just call to dump all their problems on me, without really listening to anything I have to say...
but they keep up their same behaviors and expect things to be different by repeating them,  when their actions just encourage the same shit from happening over and over and over again....

And it just makes me feel so helpless to everything.

Recently, I wrote an admissions essay about it for Duke University. It's fairly general, and doesn't nearly begin to cover the intricacies of the family dynamic; but I feel that by discussing the more emotionally charged topics, I'd be casting a dark light on my family, when they really do have good in them--they just make it hard to see the good sometimes.
but I'm very happy I finished it. Maybe I'll upload it sometime....

I don't exactly know how Duke will respond to this essay, since it was the most difficult topic for me to address, and probably not something they expect.
I don't really have my heart set on going to their school anyway--so I guess if they reject me based on my essay, I won't feel too bad.

Anyway, because of Saturday, I woke up today with puffy, dark circles under my eyes. I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror this morning.
I realized I had a message on my phone though.
I realized that, in my dormant stupor, I probably got up, silenced my phone when it rang, and went back to sleep.
I realized that the caller was............Marta??

Let me first begin by saying that it's sad when your genetics professor knows your sleeping patterns.
Over a bowl of honeybunches of oats, I contemplated not even calling back because I was embarrassed of the time of day I was emerging from my slumber....
But I'm glad I did because we ended up going to the effin' Corn Maze on Rogers Farm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ho ma gaaaahd--so much fun with Marta and little Norma!!!!!!!!! hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!
(I swear, Marta enables this regression into my childish ways ALL the time! lol)

We:
1. played in the corn maze
2. fed the goats
3. pet some donkeys (minor mishap with that....don't think Norma will permanently avoid donkeys for the rest of her life though)
4. pet some cows
5. saw some silkies
6. played with slingshots
7. shot the corn cannon
8. raced rubber ducks
9.
10. ate soft tacos for dinner with Charlie
11. etc etc etc...

Marta then read a bed-time story to me and Norma: Llama Llama Red Pajama. LOL!

I think that totally made my weekend--in addition to Dracula (which was great by the way!--except for the recurrent errors made by the narrator)--it made me completely forget Saturday.

After Dracula, me and Janana headed to TGI Fridays for dinner.
I wish I took pictures--Janana looks like an absolute life-sized doll. I daresay, she could even give some of the German girls in my lab a run for their money.
We had a good conversation concerning whether guys and girls can be friends tho--a topic I can only address by discussing my trip to NYC.

Alas, another day, another day. ;-)

I hope everyone had a good weekend!

<3
*~*Claudia*~*

p.s. It's finally November!!!!

(back-and-forth messages on facebook)


"How do I know that you, 'the nice guy' who wants nothing more than companionship and True Love, are not this rapist?
I don’t.
When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s Rapist."

p.s. I am so excited to see Dance Alive's performance of Dracula tomorrow...well actually...today! I'm going with Janana after work. :-)))) I miss ballet so!



:-)))))))

p.s.s. Please be careful ladies!!! I never blogged about it, but a few days before my birthday this year, I went to visit one of my friends in Clearwater--and he literally stepped out of the room for a few minutes, when one of his buddies decided to come over and PIN ME AGAINST A WALL while trying to grab me.
Needless to say, I screamed like a banchee until my friend overheard and ran into the room to yank his friend off.

very scary though. and sadly, very common incidents. :-(